We dun been corn-holed!!!

Those of you who follow the media’s culinary pundits and food celebrities will be abundantly familiar with the ongoing feud between Travel Channel’s food personality Anthony Bourdain, and Food network’s host of “Semi-Homemade Cooking”, Sandra Lee.  Bourdain (chef-at-large, travel host, and hugely respected culinary author), began said feud with Lee (untrained amateur), by stating publicly in 2007 that Ms. Lee was, quote, “Pure evil”.   In more elaborative terms he was quoted as saying:

“This frightening hell spawn of Kathy Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time.  She must be stopped.  Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained.”

The crux of his rant was that Lee uses a disproportionate amount of pre-made, pre-packaged staples and items in her recipes (generally a 70% store-bought/30% fresh ingredient ratio).   Per Bourdain, due to the high concentration of preservatives and additives in these store-bought ingredients, her recipes yield a “cuisine” that is significantly unhealthy, and markedly LESS healthy than even the fattiest traditional-styled cooking.  He goes on further to say:

“This is simply irresponsible programming.  It’s only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban, or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blond repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themselves with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.” 

Obviously, this kind of celebrity-on-celebrity derision and ridicule sent shock waves through the foodie community, resulting in ironic laughter and general agreement from most of us who are dedicated, conscientious consumers of quality food.  At the heart of Tony’s salvo is his belief that items processed in a factory and larded with preservatives and additives are the scourge of quality eating.  And aside from Tony’s crack about Sandy’s “rack”, I don’t think he’s at all out of line in saying what he said.  Lee is peddling methods that insinuate that factory-made short cuts are an acceptable substitute for quality.  She is enabling her viewers in the art of shitty “cooking”; and her methods are wrong.  Patently and disgustingly wrong.  If Bourdain is insinuating through his “rack” comment that looks are the sole proponent in landing this former homemaker, serial divorcee, and collector of rich husbands and boyfriends her television spot, I can see where he’s coming from.  Lee’s shtick is utterly artless, in my estimation.  And no matter how comely the pitch-man (or pitch-woman), “shitty” is still “shitty”, and it will always be “shitty”.

Perhaps the most ubiquitously-listed ingredient on the product labels of the various pre-made icings, and boxed cakes, and salad dressings, and marinades, and soup mixes in Lee’s putrid arsenal is high fructose corn syrup (hereafter known in this article has HFCS).  This dietary anathema is the focus of today's article.  

HFCS is a corn-based, chemically synthesized sweetener.  Its taste and properties loosely mimic those of traditional cane and beet sugar.  Due to its markedly cheaper price over sugar, it has gradually gained a foothold in the processed foods industry, and has basically replaced real sugars as a sweetening ingredient in everything from sodas, to snack chips, to frozen dinners, to ketchup.  Even sliced bread has HFCS in it.  Shipped to cost-cutting, consumer-forsaking food manufacturers in 55 gallon drums, this sticky mess is nothing short of the Frankenstein of food additives.  And if it’s diabolical creation can be compared to Frankenstein, its effects on the health of the general public could almost be compared to the Chernobyl disaster.  All literalistic confusions with my analogy aside, this is not to irresponsibly insinuate that cancer or radiation sickness are risks to those of us consumers who ingests HFCS.  But rather, with relation to the way that HFCS has blotted out the presence of real sugar in the majority of the foods that we consume, I firmly believe that we are in the midst of a culinary nuclear winter, and we need to recognize the Faustian bargaining that processed food producers have made with the corn industry (A.K.A “Big Corn”).  Big Corn’s impact vis-à-vis HFCS on the gradual ramping up of the pigs-at-the-trough feeding phenomenon in this country since HFCS’s introduction into the American food chain is blatantly obvious to those of us who travel overseas, or even venture across our northern border into Canada.  The obesity disparity between Americans and our counterparts from other developed nations is staggering and is an utterly shocking phenomenon to behold. 

Now you might be saying to yourself, why would an amateur food writer who lionizes “gluttony” be railing against the onset of chronic nationwide obesity?  Well, for those of you keeping score at home, I’ve never held that a person should eat himself into a dire health condition.  I merely stand for the indulgence in, and the consumption of, the best quality foods and ingredients available.    I lionize immersing oneself in food cultures like that of the French, or the Italians, or the Japanese (and many others) where chemistry-experiments-gone-wrong aren’t generally turned into food additives.  And by comparison, these aforementioned cultures have a far skinnier average population, and a much longer lifespan.  So if one is going to enjoy food (and there’s nothing wrong with an occasional brief bought of gluttony), I zealously believe that what you jam into your pie-hole needs to be outstanding, and one shouldn’t settle for cheap, cut-rate quality. 

With HFCS, one cannot get any “cheaper” or more “cut-rate”.  But unfortunately, in our culture, one will invariably be finding one’s self in a situation where preservative-ladened fast food must be consumed at some point,  But let’s make no mistake, what personally makes me happy in life can’t be found on the menus of any of the big box types in the “TGI McFunster’s” pantheon of eateries.   Aside from the prolific In-N-Out Burger, I glean nearly no enjoyment from any of the big box schlock-on-the-wall joints.  And when I do eat fast food, it simply serves a “fuel”, and “fuel” only; and it is not generally a source of enjoyment.

There are volumes of articles on the ill-effects that HFCS wreaks on a person’s health, and everyone outside of our borders is more or less aware of these effects.  America is basically the only nation on the planet where HFCS is used on a large scale.  In fact, most countries have BANNED it.  Only through leverage and lobbying by Big Corn and the pursuit of fast cash by food producers has HFCS been able to invade the American food chain.   I am not in any way attempting to claim that cane or beet sugar is any type of “heath food”, because it is not.  It carries with it its own set of health risks and ill effects. Let me just briefly say that as opposed to traditional sugars, HFCS has been scientifically proven to be loaded with empty calories, metabolizes differently when ingested, and does not imbue the normal feeling of “fullness” on the consumer with the same alacrity of traditional sugars.  Ergo, one is apt to eat a whole bag of snack-chips as opposed to a third of a bag.  One might be able to easily down two sodas instead of stopping after the first one.   From the standpoint of processed food producers, this is a gold mine.  In HFCS, food and beverage companies not only have a cheaper alternative to traditional sweeteners, said “cheaper alternative” enables their customers to graze on even greater quantities of product.  Who could argue with “cheaper” AND “generates additional revenue streams”, right?  Well, for me personally, it all comes back to the fact that from a taste standpoint, HFCS sucks.  Like I said above, “shitty” is still “shitty”, and it will always be “shitty”.

Among various friends and acquaintances, I had heard rumblings and grumbling about HFCS for years.  But I first became truly aware of the crummy taste of HFCS while shopping last year at the local Sam’s Club.  In a back corner of the store, between the displays of bottled water and large distribution sodas, we found a few stray cases of what appeared to be Coca-Cola in small glass bottles.  The anomalous glass bottles instantly piqued my curiosity, as that plastic bottles were now the beverage industry’s receptacle of choice.  Glass hadn’t been used by the beverage industry on a large scale in years.  Upon closer examination, I realized that this was actually Coke from, of all places, Mexico.  I instinctively examined the English-language nutrition label that had been hastily glued to the side of the bottle.  Sure enough, the sweetener was honest-to-God cane sugar.  Not a single gram of HFCS was to be found anywhere on the ingredients list.   Without a single iota of hesitation, a scooped up a case of it and placed it in our cart.

Upon arriving home, I un-capped a bottle and poured it into a tall glass filled with ice.  What crossed my taste buds was something that I hadn’t experienced in years.  It was lighter and crisper than any Coke that I had tasted in a long, long time.  It was less bitter.  What’s more, it was much, much more refreshing.  I shook my head in disbelief.  “This tastes like…..my childhood”, I thought.

Over the next few months, I stayed away from any and all HFCS-sweetened soft drinks.  When PepsiCo introduced cane sugar-sweetened Pepsi Throwback and Mt. Dew Throwback, we bought a twelve-pack of each.  When age-old Michigan favorite, Faygo Beverage, released various limited addition sodas sweetened with cane sugar, we began to regularly buy six-packs of these.  We gradually eliminated all of the HFCS-sweetened beverages in our house, and it tasted simply awesome.

Granted, my wife and I aren’t huge soda drinkers.  I might have 1 or 2 bottles a week.  My children are allowed one bottle a week.  Maybe slightly more if we eat out at a restaurant.  So I hope I didn’t paint a picture that we were swilling pop the way secret-handshake fraternity pukes guzzle Natural Light.  Because let’s face it; soda is the equivalent of liquid candy, and daily consumption of it (irregardless of the sweetening agent) is a guaranteed recipe for poor health.  

Earlier this fall, I was traveling to Connecticut for a wedding.  Some rough turbulence on a previous flight had left my stomach in knots.  So between flights, I decided to grab a Pepsi to help settle my ailing gut.  Naturally, American airports only stock the standard HFCS sweetened variety of soda, so HFCS it was.  I think the difference in THIS Pepsi and the cane sugar sweetened Pepsi Throwback that I had been drinking at home was instantly recognizable.  For a moment I did a double-take, and actually re-examined the bottle to make sure I hadn’t accidentally grabbed a Diet Pepsi or some other low calorie alternative.  In comparison to Pepsi Throwback, the taste was markedly bitter, and the mouth-feel was heavy and ridiculously over-the-top.  To paint you a picture, if Mexicoke and Pepsi Throwback are analogous to drinking soup, HFCS Pepsi is analogous to drinking gravy.  Instead of making me feel refreshed, it made me feel generally lousy, and sorry that I had even put the corn-swill in my mouth.  Food shouldn’t make one say, “Jeez, why did I ever do that?!?!?”  They should make you say, “That was great!   That was sure worth it!!!”   Since I had the express knowledge that there was indeed a better version of the same beverage out there, the former was exactly how HFCS Pepsi made me feel.  Specifically, I felt let down and cheated.

Curiosity abound, I repeated the experiment the next day while traveling up to New Haven by train.  This time I selected a bottle of Coca-Cola.  The results of said experiment was virtually the same as when I drank the HFCS Pepsi.  It tasted bitter, heavy, non-refreshing, and generally “blech”.  I didn’t even drink 6 ounces of the twenty-ounce bottle, before I pitched the unfinished bottle in the nearest trash receptacle.  Fortunately, a few hours later, I caught a burger at Louis’ Lunch in New Haven, and washed my meal down with a cane sugar sweetened Foxon Park grape soda, and once again, everything was right with the universe.

This got me thinking.  Under controlled conditions, say perhaps the controlled conditions of a good old fashioned blind taste test, would the results be the same?  So enlisting the assistance of fellow local food whore, Jason Baker (who writes the food blog www.Iatemichigan.com); and his lovely wife, we set out to prove or disprove my theory of cane sugar supremacy.

The various sodas that I selected for this experiment were as follows:

1)      Mexicoke vs. Coke

2)      Pepsi Throwback vs. Pepsi

3)      Mountain Dew Throwback vs. Mountain Dew

4)      Limited Addition Faygo Orange, Grape, and Redpop vs. Regular Faygo Orange, Grape and Redpop.

I figured this list gave us a good variety of beverages, and it included ones that were of nationwide distribution along with those of regional distribution.  My wife graciously volunteered to serve as the proctor of this blind taste test; and sequestering herself in our pantry, she ensured that all of the sodas were poured away from our prying, biased eyes.  All that we saw of each sample was a small plastic cup labeled “A” or “B”. 

I’m sure some of you are thinking, don’t these lame-ass fracking people have anything better to do on a Friday night than sample soda pop?  If it’s any consolation, when Jason and I got done testing the above-mentioned sodas, we went ahead and pounded a bunch of craft beers.  Maybe there’s a beer tasting article in our collective futures, I dunno.

The results of the taste test were in some cases predictable, but in a few cases they were completely unanticipated and shocking.  As far as the large-release sodas that we sampled, the existential differences in quality between cane sugar and HFCS were instantaneously apparent.  Cane sugar won the day easily.  If this had been a prize fight, HFCS would have been brutally K.O’d in the first round.  In the case of the colas, the differences were so pronounced that HFCS might have even died back in the locker room following the fight.  Mountain Dew Throwback was the clear winner over its HFCS counterpart.  As previously stated, the results of the colas were the most blatant and staggering.  Just as my experiences a month earlier while Back East, HFCS Pepsi and Coke were bitter, thicker in mouth feel, and heavy.  They were proven a ridiculously inferior product by this taste test, and I really feel that PepsiCo and the Coca-Cola Company should be ashamed of themselves for releasing such schlock onto the general public.  

Faygo’s sodas were a different story.  Faygo is legend for those of us who hail from Michigan.  Although once wholly owned and managed out of Detroit, it is now a subsidiary of National Beverage Corp, which owns a number of other regional “bargain” soda brands and energy drink brands.  Despite its popularity in Michigan, some smaller, independent retailers within the state refuse to stock it due to its lower price, and lower profit-generating capabilities.  Despite said low price, it’s still a great product, and hugely nostalgic for folks of my generation.   An occasional bottle of Faygo is admittedly one of my guilty pleasures, whereas I could normally care less about Coke or Pepsi products.  What can I say, for some reason, Faygo just turns my crank.

With regards to the results Faygo’s its taste-test yielded; I found all versions of Faygo to be very similar to one another.  Between the orange, grape, and redpop, I only selected cane sugar as the better-tasting soft drink in ONE instance.  That was in the case of Faygo grape.  My other two picks were the HFCS versions.   Here’s what I found so amazingly stupefying: Faygo Redpop has been my life-long, hands-down favorite.  For me there’s simply nothing better, and no other type of soda (regardless of the brand) speaks to me like Faygo redpop.  I was in utter disbelief when the results were revealed and I found that I had chosen the HFCS version of redpop as the more appealing or the two.  To Faygo’s credit, their good folks did a great job of creating a product that tastes incredibly similar to the old cane sugar version.  As stated above, cane sugar grape easily bested the HFCS version; but in all honesty, when it came to the orange and the redpop, Jason and I were confounded by the similarities between sample A and sample B.  They seemed virtually the same.

As a side note, The Wife noted that the cane sugar version of the grape left a bright PURPLE head in the cup when poured, whereas none of the other sodas (cane sugar or otherwise) presented a head that was so non-standard.

All in all, I found this to be an interesting experiment.  I guess it proves a few things.  First of all, real sugar generally DOES taste better than HFCS (at least in sodas, it does).  I suspect that this is just the tip of the iceberg.  I implore you all, in the name of decency, to pay no attention to the propaganda commercials with which Big Corn has been blitzing the television air waves.  They can call HFCS “corn sugar” if they like, but smart folks know it for what it is:  schlock.   If they can somehow get an intelligent person to believe that it isn’t cheap, cost-cutting schlock, then for their next trick, they should convince us all that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary.  No worse off than cane sugar?  Cracker, please…..

Secondly, although it may be considered “welfare pop” by some snobby types, Faygo really makes a great product.  They are obviously committed to sustaining a good tasting product, and a consistent product.  Let me go out on a limb and say that this reflects that perhaps Faygo holds a greater regard and appreciation for its customer base than the large-release soft drink companies.  I guess when I think about Faygo’s “Boblo Island” commercial from when I was a kid, it’s clear that they’ve really made good on their erstwhile claim that “Faygo remembers”.  How often can you say that something is still “as good as it used to be”?   And as a final side note, Faygo grape, orange, and redpop all go great with vodka as well.   But that’s a different article for a different day.  Happy soda-drinking!

Chew on that!

T.S.G

                                                                                               

It Was Sort of Like "Supersize Me", Only I'm Not An Asshole.....

Recently, while channel surfing I landed on a program on Food Network that ran a story about a Manhattan restaurant, The Wall Street Burger Shoppe, that was offering the ultimate luxury hamburger.  The burger was 100% Japanese Kobe beef, topped with seared foie gras, shaved black truffles, and sprinkled with genuine gold leaf.  Yes, I did indeed say “gold leaf”.  One could buy this ultimate luxury lunch splurge for a whopping $175.  All things being equal, that’s not an unreasonable price for all of the items that WSBS has gathered together to make this burger (the gold leaf itself was worth about $25).  But who the hell can afford a burger like this?  What’s more, who’d want to eat it every day for lunch, or even more than a few times a year, for that matter? 

This got the wheels in my head turning.  My hometown of Bay City, Michigan is a modest community filled with Average Joes.  It’s mostly populated by non-pretentious, value-focused restaurant-goers.  Our sometimes-rustic natives are unschooled in the virtues of foie gras and black truffles, and they certainly lack the hoi-palloi gumption to crave them on a burger.  And if you were to call them on the carpet about this, they’ll probably smash you in the mouth and tell you they’re damn proud to be this way.  With this same local proletarian mindset, I decided to go out and sample a number of the most highly touted hamburgers in the city, and report back to you good folks with my results. 

After narrowing down my list of candidates vis-à-vis an informal poll that I conducted amongst my friends (facilitated by Facebook), I arrived on the following candidates in this comparative study of local hamburger offerings: Rudy’s Red Lion, Muscle Beach Drive In, The Hub Bar, The Rathkeller Bar, Bay City Bill’s Bar & Grill, The Char House, and The Bier Garten.  I purposely eliminated any establishments that were part of a chain or a franchise, so therefore places like the restaurant at The Doubletree Hotel and Harvey’s Grille and Bar were not considered.  Not to sound like some hipster douche, but part of the criteria was small-town authenticity.  My wife and I debated the authenticity issue while we discussed some of my findings for this article, and she held zealously firm in her belief that a “bar” would eventually yield the best burger.  As that (in her opinion), “bar burgers are the best”.  Well, Sweetcheeks; we’ll see about that.  If you’re right, you’re right.  And just so all of you know, I generally have no problem admitting that my wife is right.  In the end, everybody wins, and I don’t have to sleep in the garage.

Let me start by throwing out my obligatory disclaimer to deflect any shrill outcries from PETA kooks.  Yes, o’ Angry Ones.  I understand that red meat is unhealthy.  I understand that most ground beef comes from factory farms, and factory farms are bad for the environment.  I also understand that hundreds (maybe thousands) of heads of cattle had to be first “mistreated”, and then “tortured”, and then “murdered” so I could conduct this survey.  I also understand that in each burger that I ate, the ground meat might have consisted of the ground up “parts” of up to one hundred individual cows.  Guess what?  I….don’t…..care.  Not only do I hope that many, many cows had to die in my search for an awesome hamburger sandwich, part of me hopes that loan sharks snuck into the meat processing plant under the cover of darkness and threw one of their delinquent debtors into that self-same industrial meat grinder.  Because when it comes down to it, cows and deadbeats taste delicious.  What did you expect me to do?  Write a piece on soy burgers?  Frack that.  Actually, it would be pretty easy to do.  Here goes:  Morningstar Farms' Veggie Burger tastes slightly LESS shitty than ConAgra’s Garden Burger.  Done!  Why would anyone in their right mind want to constantly subject themselves to eating consumable cardboard, anyway?  Soy is FILLER.  That’s all it is.  It tastes like shit until you pile on truckloads of spices and seasonings and sauces and marinades; and although it’s touted as being “heart healthy”, it has its own set of unsavory side effects.  Beef may kill you before you hit 60 (like it did to both of my grandfathers), but unlike soy products it’s not medically proven to cause early-onset dementia, or exacerbate existing prostate conditions in men.  Nor does it inflate men’s estrogen levels, deflate the male sex drive, or give dudes man-boobs.  Yes, I said “MAN-BOOBS”.  Okay, maybe if I gained 100 pounds from eating red meat, I might get man-boobs, but I wouldn’t get man-boobs simply because I made red meat part of my diet.  Only excessive red meat consumption MINUS an exercise regimen can cause the onset of man-boobs in omnivores.  But for you dudes who make soy a regular part of your diet, I’m sorry to say this, but a training bra might be in your future.   No thanks, Alexandra Jamieson.   Anyhoo, sorry for that little scenic detour through Rantyville: bring on the beef, bitches.

As I mentioned above, I was looking for “authenticity” in my quest for local burger supremacy.  The standard for which I was using in judging this gathering of grilled steer flesh was a childhood memory.  When I was a little boy, my parents would take me to a local family restaurant and grease pit known as White’s Restaurant.  Eating there was nothing short of an amazing experience.  I generally always ordered the same thing: a cheeseburger and an order of onion rings.  For me, as a nine-year-old boy, there was no meal more rapturous than a burger and rings at White’s. This much idealized shard of my childhood was my culinary spirit guide and compass point when weighing all of the tastes, and textures, and flavors in this crowning of King of Burgers and Lord of The Onion Rings.   Now, on to my findings! 

Rudy’s Red Lion Diner

Perhaps one of the most popular (and hyped) area eateries is Rudy’s Red Lion.  Rudy’s customers are numerous and fiercely loyal.  I give the good folks at the Red Lion credit for cultivating something out of nothing.  It’s not an easy thing getting hundreds of folks excited about what you do, and Rudy’s Red Lion has succeeded.  I dropped by their establishment on a late Saturday morning, and the place was very much jammed with diners.  Since I had previously resolved to critique each of the various area restaurants’ “marquee” burger, I selected Rudy’s alpha dog, the Half-Pound Stuffed Burger.  It was a pretty standard burger, only it was stuffed with mushrooms, yellow peppers, and mozzarella cheese.  I also ordered their quite famous onion rings.

Overall, I found it interesting in concept, but the burger itself was rather average in taste.  Although I enjoyed it, I probably wouldn’t be too compelled to order it over a standard cheeseburger the next time I dropped by the Red Lion.   I used six criteria in judging each of the seven burgers in this sample.  Meat, cheese, bun, grilling, freshness of toppings, and overall taste.  Each category could yield up to 5 points.  Overall taste was weighted with double the points.  Therefore, a perfect score would equal 35.  Despite being relatively average in most areas, I did feel that Rudy’s bun was the most perfect and most pleasing part of the burger.  Despite the fact that the burger was stuffed with cheese, shrooms and peppers, the meat somehow turned out a bit on the dry side.  Total burger score: 24

The onion rings, however, were a different story.  Rudy’s rings are indeed the real deal.  Crisp, golden, made with large onion slices, they embodied all of the qualities that a classic diner onion ring should possess.  The batter was perhaps a bit too paste-like, which I personally didn’t find as visually appealing as the golden translucence of a traditional onion ring, but the taste was really on-point.  I evaluated them in terms of size, batter, onion quality, and overall taste.  Like the burgers, each category could yield up to 5 points.  Overall taste’s values were doubled, for a possible perfect score of 25.  Rudy’s rings received a total onion rings score of 21.  Quite respectable in my book

Rudy’s combined burger/rings score was 45 out of a possible 60 points.

The Rathskeller Bar

The Rathskeller, known affectionately as “The Rat”, serves burgers that are famous throughout the city.  Many of the folks who voiced input in my search for the area’s best burger gave heavy, heavy praise to The Rat.  “Their burgers are ridiculous”, eagerly mused one of my friends from high school.  So armed with my appetite and a fistful of dollars, I strode into The Rat, and ordered their burger tour de force known as The House Burger.  This burger was every bit as massive as Rudy’s stuffed burger.  Topped with cheese, lettuce, tomato, crisp bacon, and green olives, it is not only a site to behold, it’s quite fabulous to eat.  I’d definitely order it again.  The only complaints that I had was that my tomato could have been fresher, and cut more symmetrically.  Also, the mixture of the bacon and the green olives yielded a degree of saltiness that I thought was simply a bit too unwieldy and unbalanced.  After about halfway through, the saltiness became a bit much.  In short: hugely enjoyable, just a tad too salty.  Total burger score: 26. 

Had they had employed fresher toppings; the score would have been higher.  Perhaps I caught them on an off day.  Unfortunately, The Rat only serves chips with their food, and rings weren’t available.

Muscle Beach Drive-In

This establishment is situated in Bangor Township, near the Bay City State Park.  To be completely honest, I didn’t even know they existed until people suggested that I include them in this survey.   I ordered their flagship, the Stuffed Cheeseburger and a side of their hand-dipped rings.  The burger is stuffed with onions and mushrooms, and overall is pretty outstanding.  The only issue I had was that it was majorly messy to eat.  The contents of the burger gush all over the place when you eat it.  This is not one of those hold-the-steering-wheel-with-one-hand-and-eat-with-the-other-hand type of burgers.  You really need to be seated at a table to enjoy it.  Now THAT was a tasty burger!  Total burger score: 25.

Muscle Beach’s onion rings were simply amazing.  They were everything that I remember White’s rings to be.  Light, perfectly battered, huge, crisp; and amazingly executed.  In my estimation, they ran the table in all categories, and I gave them a perfect score of 25.

Muscle Beach’s burger/rings combo combined for a total score of 50 points.

Bay City Bill’s Bar & Grill

Nestled in the heart of Bay City’s South End (a.k.a. “Little Krakow”), Bay City Bill’s might be one of the city’s best kept secrets.  If you were to say to someone from across town, “Hey, meet me at Bay City Bill’s for a couple of shells”, their response might be a vacuous blank stare.  Needless to say, any self-respecting Southender knows of this little hole-in-the-wall, and that they grill a burger that will punch you in the taste buds faster the lightning-quick hands of Murray Sutherland.  I ordered their Cheeseburger Deluxe and a side of rings.  I initially didn’t know if they sold onion rings, but upon inquiring while I placed my carry out order, the bar tender enthusiastically exclaimed, “Oh yes!  They’re homemade”.   

Based on her enthusiasm, and the positive buzz that I had heard about Bill’s burgers, the short car ride from my office to Bill’s to pick up my order was a very anticipatory one.

Let me put this plainly.  Bay City Bill’s did not disappoint.  Bill’s Cheeseburger Deluxe is a perfectly executed, perfectly balanced sandwich.  Every part of it was fresh and tasty and amazing.  Although I didn’t award it a perfect score, it was certainly a good enough burger to garner a respectable 30 points.

Bill’s homemade onion rings were also similarly good, although not nearly as good as Muscle Beach’s “miracle rings”, they were every bit the equal to Rudy’s.  Total rings score: 21.

Total burger/rings score: a front-running tally of 51.

The Char House

Along with White’s, the Char House had been a place during my childhood, that my parents took my sisters and I frequently.  Prices were reasonable; they had good service and food quality.  They also had a menu that was appealing to young children.  It had been literally 18 years since I last set foot in the Char House, and as I walked though the front door, I saw before me a place that had been seemingly frozen in time.  The layout was the same.  The pictures, and decorations, and wall hangings, and nautical kitsch were just as I had remembered it.  Nothing had changed a bit.   Surprisingly, the old place had been very well kept up, and nothing appeared to be at all run down.  As I sat in the lobby and waited for my carry-out order I silently hopped that their cheeseburger and onion rings circa 2010 were as tasty and lovingly made as they were way back in the late 1970’s. 

Arriving home, I was pleased to find that their legendary Char Burger was indeed it’s reliable old self.  Large in size (probably a half pound), hand formed my the grill cook (you could tell because it lacked the perfect symmetry of pre-made burger patties).  Cheese quality was a tad boring, and the grilling left the meat a little dry, but overall it was a very nicely prepared burger.  The bun was grill-toasted nicely, and its toppings were really, really fresh.  It was a good effort at a standard burger.  Although it may have invoked much nostalgia, I found it to be just standard-good.  Not bad, and teetering somewhere in that void between “good” and “pretty good”.   I gave it a total 24 points, which puts it in the same class as the burgers from Rudy’s Red Lion.

The onion rings were a different story.  They were not homemade as they had been during my childhood, and were simply frozen food-service rings.  I guess in some ways one can never truly go home again.  They received the lowest possible score for onion rings: An abysmal 5.

Total burger/rings score for The Char House:  29

The Hub

This place is a long-standing Bay City watering hole, and it’s a place where my friends and I have consumed many, many cold brews.  My father-in-law’s cousin owns The Hub, and she and her husband are sweet, sweet folks.  Despite their best efforts, service at The Hub can sometimes be hit-and-miss.  Many of us simply stopped going there after our favorite bar-maid (Ruby) moved up north to the sticks to be with her boyfriend.  Thus, leaving us at the mercy of her replacement, who (for confidentiality purposes) shall from this point forward go by the nom de guerre of “The Troll”.  I cannot take credit for tagging her with this moniker.  Credit for that stroke of genius goes to my best bud “The Major” (obviously his identity it being concealed for his own protection).  The Troll’s charm lies in the fact that she has turned crummy service into a veritable art form.  She could easily be called the Michael Jordan of shitty waitresses.  Gruff and quick to annoy, she might bring everyone else’s drinks, but conveniently forget yours.  And this is simply because she didn’t like the way you placed your order.  Or when bringing your drinks to you, she may choose to slam the tray of drinks down on your table, and cause all of the bottled beers to foam over from the force of the concussion.  I don’t know how she manages to pull off this incredible feat of physics, but it’s a great trick.  A great trick, so long as only drinking four-fifths of your beer isn’t an issue.   I could recount many more riffs from her collection of greatest hits, but burgers are the focus, not her antipathy toward bar patrons. 

On the whole, The Hub’s food is relatively good and quite cheap.  I probably wouldn’t have added The Hub to this list of burger joints, but quite a few people suggested it, so I figured it couldn’t hurt.  Their burgers are relatively simple.  Portion size matches the price.  Overall, it was a very standard, average, no-frills burger.  It was significantly out-classed by all of the other burgers in this survey.  It wasn’t bad, per se.  It was simply nothing to write home about.  I gave it a total score of 19.

The Hubs onion rings were frozen (just like The Char House’s), so they received an automatic score of 5

Total burger/rings score:  24

Bier Garten

I had originally not planned on reviewing the burgers at Bier Garten, but the evening prior to completing the first draft of this review, two of my hockey team mates vehemently insisted that Bier Garten has the best burgers in town.  And really, how can one ignore that much zeal and enthusiasm?

Selecting their Bier Garten Burger, the burger on the menu that was named after establishment, I figured that I’d made a safe choice.  What was served up was a less-than-impressive burger, and unquestionably the LEAST tasty burger of the seven hamburgers that I sampled.  The meat was average, and rather dry.  The bun was untoasted, and rather boring.  The toppings (tomato, lettuce, and green olives) were perhaps the one and only strong point with this burger, but overall, I was not terribly impressed.  It’s total score was a measly 18.

Sadly, despite the “anonymous” posting on Trip Advisor that Bier Garten had amazing onion rings, just like The Char House and The Hub, Bier Garten’s rings were frozen.  So, they get the big 5.

Total burger/rings score: 23.

In Bier Garten’s defense, they do feature a number of Michigan microbrews by Bell’s and Dragonmead on draught.  But as far as burgers are concerned, Bier Garten failed to impress.

Recap and Summary

As per my evaluation, the rankings of the various “flagship” burgers that I sampled would fall as such:

1)      Cheeseburger Deluxe (Bay City Bill’s)

2)      House Burger (The Rathskeller)

3)      Stuffed Cheeseburger (Muscle Beach Drive-In)

4)      Char Burger (The Char House)/Half Pound Stuffed Cheeseburger (Rudy’s Red Lion) –TIE

5)      Bacon Cheeseburger (The Hub)

6)      The Bier Garten Burger (The Bier Garten)

I would evaluate the various accompanying onion rings as follows:

1)      Muscle Beach Drive-In

2)      Rudy’s Red Lion/Bay City Bill’s - TIE

3)      Bier Garten/The Hub/The Char House -THREE-WAY TIE

And here are the rankings for the burger/onion rings combination:

1)      Bay City Bill’s

2)      Muscle Beach Drive-In

3)      Rudy’s Red Lion

4)      The Char House

5)      The Hub

6)      Bier Garten

So in summation, some of the burgers that I sampled delivered the goods and did not disappoint.  Others left me rather disappointed and confused.  I found much nostalgia in The Char House’s burger, and in Muscle Beach’s previously-undiscovered onion rings.   In the end, my lovely wife’s reasoning won the day.  The top two burgers that I sampled were indeed from area bars.  Strangely, the bottom two were also from bars.  I’ll leave it to her to figure out this anomaly.  Perhaps the most amazing hidden gem that I uncovered was none other than Muscle Beach Drive-In.  I think overall they might be the most impressive in the totality their offerings.   Even though it has nearly been a week since I’ve eaten there, their remarkably perfect hand-dipped onion rings continue to haunt me, and I find it increasingly difficult to resist their gravitational pull with every passing day. 

Among my top three burger picks, you’ll find that they are all very much in the same class of excellence.  Between Bay City Bill’s, Rathskeller, and Muscle Beach Drive In, one really can’t go wrong with any of them.   And since all of these establishments are spread out around the city, one is never too far away from some basic, simple, unforced American culinary bliss.   Their burgers may not be topped with luxury items like black truffles or gold leaf, but in my over-fed estimation, they’re easily as good as gold.

Chew on that!

T.S.G.