Another Pesky Mosquito

Who is Amanda Obney?  That’s the big question on the table.  Although the name may not ring a bell to most of you, she is in all actuality the California woman who is suing Taco Bell (owned by YUM Brands)  for “misleadingly” using the word “beef” to describe the ground beef filling used in their tacos and other products.  Here’s what is known about Taco Bell’s new shadowy nemesis:  She’s from Orange County, California.  She’s a huge fan of frivolous lawsuits.  She hates Taco Bell. 

Her claims, vis-à-vis her vulture-like attorneys is that Taco Bell’s ground beef only contains 36% beef.  The rest of the mixture, per Obney and her pack of legal hyenas, consists of “grain products”, “binders”, and other “extenders” (the former terminology was taken directly from the pages of her lawsuit).  Taco Bell has countered by saying that the actual beef portion is upwards of 88% pure beef, and that some grain-fillers and spices are indeed used.  But this is only to preserve the “taste” and “texture” of their product.   

When news of this lawsuit broke, the general tone among many of my PETA/Vegan slanted friends and acquaintances (vis-à-vis their respective Facebook pages) was something to the effect of, “See!  I told you it was garbage!”   But seriously, for the rest of us, I think the reaction varied from, “So what”, to “Yawn”, to “A law suit?  What a waste of time and money”.  Leave it to The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart later that evening to uncannily sum up the ridiculous tone of this litigious fiasco by stating, “64% grains; 36% beef? What a relief!  That’s not nearly as bad as what we had previously feared Taco Bell was putting in their tacos.”  (Paraphrase)

Okay, for those of you that have followed this blog from the beginning, you’ll know that I don’t recommend fast food.  Although I eat it periodically, I try to avoid it as much as I can.  Good health aside, if you eat a Whopper and a large fries on a daily basis, you’re doing your soul a huge disservice.  Your approach to food is no different than Remy’s father in “Ratatouille” when he haphazardly utters, “Food is fuel”.  But that said, fundamentally speaking, what you put in your body is entirely your own choice.  And unless you have a serious health issue, and are under a doctor’s care, you’re free to eat whatever you want (within reason, of course).  I’m the last person to advocate using the court system to sue, or restrain, or litigate anyone away from a food choice that merely poses an individual health risk; or is a health risk that can be controlled and limited through moderation, exercise, and common sense.  I don’t agree with anti-tobacco lawsuits, and I certainly don’t agree with anti-food lawsuits.  Especially when we know that every adult consumer knows full-well what they’re putting in their body.

Ms. Obney joins the ranks of Morgan Spurlock (Supersize Me) and various other zealous crackpots in yet another attack on the nation’s fast food industry.  An industry that only exists because people in this country are lazy, and refuse to take the time to grocery shop and cook for themselves.  In my mind, if you’re too lazy to open a can of soup, or peal an orange, or open a carton of skim milk you deserve to be morbidly obese and in poor health.   This isn’t a case of a prison inmate suing the prison system over meal quality.  Obney, like the rest of us, does have copious other food choices.  And based upon the fact that she’s not requesting any money in her lawsuit, I’ll confidently conclude that she has deeper ulterior motives.  Those motives undoubtedly involve forwarding some kooky, activist, proselytizing philosophy.  I'll go out on a limb and say it; she’s probably some variety of militant vegan.  Think that’s a capricious, scattershot assumption on my part?  Well, you don’t see Mario Batali suing fast food chains, do you?  And unlike more level-headed approaches to obesity and nutrition issues (like the one being used by Jamie Oliver of Jamie’s Food Revolution), instead of attempting to change the way people think about food, Ms. Obney et al would just simply choose to abruptly cut off the flow of schlocky food at the source. This in itself, only succeeds in leaving the hapless, food-inept masses with fewer food choices.  In my estimation, that’s like denying a welfare lifer their monthly government check, while simultaneously leaving them without the skills or the know-how to find stable, gainful employment.  This type of half-baked solution to the problem only makes the afflicted person suffer worse.  

Wanting to leverage or eliminate ANY part of our existing commercial food chain, simply because one feels it’s “immoral” is no different than attempting to force children to pray in public schools, or forcing women to wear a burka in public.   The universalizing mentality that these militant anti-food-establishment kooks have is really no different from the mindset of those Operation Rescue crazies who block the doors of abortion clinics.  What’s next?  Picketing in front of Taco Bell with signs that read, “God Hates Fat-Asses!”?   If anything, the actions of Obney and her ilk are proof-positive that when a practicing vegan is not also a practicing Buddhist, they can get pretty damn annoying.  Instead of this “bombshell” making me recoil away from Taco Bell, if anything, it makes me want to go out and buy a dozen tacos just to exercise my freedom of choice and to further piss off these lunatics in the process.  Because when it comes down to it, all that Obney and the people who champion her goofy actions are doing, is stepping on a person’s individual right to make a choice for themselves.  When nutrition information is readily available (like it is in the case of ALL major fast food chains), one cannot credibly field the argument that people lack the tools to make an informed decision on what they should be putting in their bodies.  Unless of course you’d also like to couple that with the arrogant assertion that , “People are too stupid to make the right choices on their own, so we smarter, more enlightened people need to make choices for them”.  If that sentiment sounds like a ludicrous, elitist, and condescending mindset, you’re right, it certainly is. 

Does Amanda Obney think she can “scare” the fast food industry into “healthening” up their menu offerings?  Sorry to break the news to you, Mandy; but YUM Brands and all of their fast food cousins have deeper pockets than you do.  They can drag this out longer than you can.  And in the end, all you've done is made a bunch of lawyers richer.  And if Yum Brands’ market share does happen to shrink in this country because of this lawsuit (which it won’t) that wouldn’t matter anyway.  They’d make up for their sales losses by expanding into a rapidly developing Chinese market.   If Ms. Obney dreams of becoming the Eric Brockovich of the fast food industry, she’s nothing short of a certifiable nut-case.  

So thanks, Amanda Obney (whoever the heck you are) for helping to invigorate our ailing economy by keeping dozens of bottom-feeding, notoriety-hungry attorneys employed.   Thanks for working to erode our freedom of choice by wastefully using the courts as your proselytizing sledge hammer.  And thanks for being soooooo much smarter than the rest of us poor slobs.  I suppose expecting you to take up a crusade that holds true usefulness and intrinsic value to society was just a little too much for us to ask of you this time around.

Chew on THAT!

T.S.G.

The Art of Happiness - Glutton Style

Can money buy you happiness?  Sorry altruists.  According to recent news articles, research has shown that richer people are generally happier than their poorer counterparts.   So if you’re not a recent lotto winner, a trust fund brat, or a film star can one find a path to happiness without limitless amounts of cash?  I think so, and it’s as easy as a quick trip to the grocery store.

Method One - Buttered Popcorn with Chardonnay

Gather together the following items:

-A popcorn popper (an air popper is my preferred popping device)

-A small bag of un-popped popcorn.

-One stick of SALTED butter (Yes, a FULL stick.  Plan on using ALL of it)

-A large bowl.

-A bottle of oaked Chardonnay (chilled).

This “method” is so painfully easy that even the most pathetically inept among us can’t possibly screw it up.  If you can pop popcorn and melt a stick of butter, you’re well on your way to forgetting all the problems that had been recently piled upon your shoulders.

Step One:  Pop the popcorn.  I prefer an air popper, because I don’t like the way oil undercuts my enjoyment of the butter. You could use anywhere between ¾ of a cup to a full cup of un-popped corn.  The less corn you use, the greater the buttery-ness of the finished product.      DO NOT substitute microwave popcorn for the real thing.  When you add in the wine later on, the effect will be a completely unfulfilling crash-and-burn.  The popcorn’s merely a delivery device for the butter, but it’s still important.

Step Two:  Melt the butter.  You can use either a microwave or a stove-top; the choice is yours.  Once the butter has melted pour it over the freshly popped popcorn.  Stir to ensure that the butter is mixed evenly.  DO NOT substitute margarine, Benecol, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, or any of the other fake butter replacement products in place of REAL butter.  Again, if you do, expect an epic fail when the wine is introduced.  If your wife or girlfriend is against animal products and steadfastly forbids the use of butter in your household, have her pack her things and leave.  Maybe go as far as having the locks re-keyed as well, because I’d imagine that she’s probably a crazy lunatic who doesn’t take break-ups well.  In the long run, she’ll only make your life miserable, and if she’s mercilessly controlling what you eat, she probably mercilessly has your penis in lock-down mode, too.  Be a man and do yourself a favor and find a chick who isn’t a controlling psycho.  So what if the next girlfriend’s a tad on the chunky side from having a normal diet.  Small butts are over-rated. 

Step Three:  Add iodized salt to taste.  For me, less salt is more.  But even a little bit is needed for balance.

Step Four:  Open your chilled bottle of oaked Chardonnay and enjoy the frack out of what you’ve made.  Oaked Chardonnays are the best choice.  The buttery oak will pair nicely with the butter in the popcorn.  There are many good choices:  I like Cupcake Chardonnay (about $12 a bottle).  But if you’d like to spend more money Stag’s Leap, Ferarri-Carano, Marques, and Kistler are great choices.  Any sparkling wine that is 100% Chardonnay will work as well.  If you’ve never previously had popcorn and vino together, you’ll be stymied at how you’d overlooked this awesome, simple, happiness-producing combination.  Pop in a nice romantic Blue Ray like “Predator” and you’re all set!  

Method Two - Pancetta-wrapped goat cheese with Barbera

Gather together the following items:

-A sleeve of soft goat cheese.  Most decent supermarkets carry it these days.

-A pack of pancetta.  It’s a cured, marbled Italian sliced meat, that crisps up like bacon when cooked.

-A non-stick frying pan with a spatula (tongs will also do, it’s your choice).

-A nice bottle of Barbera.  Both the Italian and California varieties will work equally well.

Note:  As you may have already gleaned from Method One, there are no substitutions or shortcuts.  Alter my directives at your own risk.

Step One:  Remove the goat cheese from the wrapper and cut it into half-inch “medallions”.

Step Two:  Wrap the pancetta around the goat cheese medallions and place them in the refrigerator.  Chill for about an hour.  The chilling process is optional, but it helps to keep the cheese from melting prematurely when you place it in the frying pan.

Step Three:  On medium-high heat, add the pancetta-wrapped goat cheese to the frying pan.  Brown them for about 60-90 seconds on each side.  The pancetta should crisp up nicely.  Caution:  If you fry them too long, or if the pan isn’t hot enough, the cheese will melt, and ooze all over the place.  It’ll still be edible, but the final presentation of the dish will be ruined.

Step Four:  Sit down and enjoy what you’ve cooked with the Barbera.  Vieti and Montevina are good choices.  But most others will work.    

If you’d like, add in a nice side salad.  This is a really, really rich, decadent dish, so you might need the salad to cut some of the overpowering richness.  I generally max out after I’ve had three of these, but its so effing good.  Seriously, good.  Dirty-sex-in-the-elevator-at-work good.  It’s life changing.

Here's a photo of the completed dish.  I'd have posted photos of the other ones, but they aren't as visually interesting.

Method-Three - Crispy-fried portabella mushrooms with Pinot Noir

If you’re that previously-mentioned castrated guy who doesn’t have the guts to kick his ranty Whole Foods psycho girlfriend to the curb and get on with a life-worth-living, this is an effective animal-products-free alternative to the two previous dishes.  The portabellas have a nice mouth-feel, and are often used in vegan cuisine in place of meat.   And remember the rule of today’s lesson, children:  NO SUBSTITUTIONS.

Gather together the following items:

-A large portabella mushroom cap (pre-sliced is just fine).

-All-purpose flour for dusting.

-Sea salt.

-Olive oil for frying.

-A medium to large frying pan and a set of tongs.

Step One:  Slice the mushroom cap into long slices (unless you purchased the pre-sliced version).

Step Two:  Heat the olive oil in the fry pan.  It should be about ¾ to 1 inch deep.  ¾ of an inch should be plenty, though.  You’ll know when the oil’s hot enough, because when you flick small amounts of water across the oil, it’ll bead off.

Step Three:  Liberally dredge the sliced portabellas in the flour, and add them to the hot oil.  They should be fried on each side for about two to four minutes, until crisp on the outside and cooked all the way through.  Experiment until you get the hang of it.  Don’t expect the flour to stick to the shrooms, like the schlocky, artless deep-fried button mushrooms you’d order at TGF McFunster’s.  That’s not what we’re aiming for.  There should be a light crust on them only.  This is “crispy-fried”, not batter-fried.

Step Four:  Placed the fried shrooms on a plate that’s lined with paper towel.  Add the sea salt and let the shrooms briefly drain and cool.  Serve hot (If they’re allowed to cool off, it deadens the impact).

Step Five:  Enjoy your shrooms with a nice Pinot Noir.  Virtually ANY brand or terroir will work.  If you want to go cheapy-cheapy, drink a bottle of Smoking Loon Pinot Noir ($10.99).  It’s quite good.   On the higher end, I’d go with a Pommard from Burgundy (Upwards of $50, but worth it).  Make sure you open the wine at least an hour before you plan to drink it.  As with most red wines, oxygen is needed.

The Wife and I will often fry up a batch of shrooms on a Friday evening, and stand around in the kitchen eating them, chatting, drinking vino, and scarfing down fresh-baked bread and cheeses as well.  Cheddar, brie, and milder blue veined cheeses are great matches with the Pinot.

Wine Buying Notes

For those of you who are relative novices to wine buying, not all wine gets better with age.  The Chardonnays and the Pinot Noirs that I recommended should be fairly young.  If they’re five years old or more consider avoiding them, as that they might have peaked.  If they have a screw cap and not a natural cork, avoid them if they are older than four years.  I often look for Pinots and Chards that are even younger than this (i.e. one or two years old).   Barbera would probably be drinkable up to six or seven years old.  The Pommard, however, is quite tannic and can be enjoyably consumed well after eight to ten years old.  Do bear in mind that in may need to be decanted a few hours ahead of consumption.

So in summary, these are a few of MY personal “methods” for achieving happiness.    They’re relatively cheap, simple, and easy; and they work.  If you try all three, and they don’t put a dent in the funk that you’re under, I’m sorry Chief; you might be needing help beyond the scope of my abilities.  But I’m truly confident that the “prescription” that I have personally written for you will work juuuuuuust fine.  Eat happy, live happy!

Chew on THAT!

T.S.G.