The Art of Happiness - Glutton Style

Can money buy you happiness?  Sorry altruists.  According to recent news articles, research has shown that richer people are generally happier than their poorer counterparts.   So if you’re not a recent lotto winner, a trust fund brat, or a film star can one find a path to happiness without limitless amounts of cash?  I think so, and it’s as easy as a quick trip to the grocery store.

Method One - Buttered Popcorn with Chardonnay

Gather together the following items:

-A popcorn popper (an air popper is my preferred popping device)

-A small bag of un-popped popcorn.

-One stick of SALTED butter (Yes, a FULL stick.  Plan on using ALL of it)

-A large bowl.

-A bottle of oaked Chardonnay (chilled).

This “method” is so painfully easy that even the most pathetically inept among us can’t possibly screw it up.  If you can pop popcorn and melt a stick of butter, you’re well on your way to forgetting all the problems that had been recently piled upon your shoulders.

Step One:  Pop the popcorn.  I prefer an air popper, because I don’t like the way oil undercuts my enjoyment of the butter. You could use anywhere between ¾ of a cup to a full cup of un-popped corn.  The less corn you use, the greater the buttery-ness of the finished product.      DO NOT substitute microwave popcorn for the real thing.  When you add in the wine later on, the effect will be a completely unfulfilling crash-and-burn.  The popcorn’s merely a delivery device for the butter, but it’s still important.

Step Two:  Melt the butter.  You can use either a microwave or a stove-top; the choice is yours.  Once the butter has melted pour it over the freshly popped popcorn.  Stir to ensure that the butter is mixed evenly.  DO NOT substitute margarine, Benecol, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, or any of the other fake butter replacement products in place of REAL butter.  Again, if you do, expect an epic fail when the wine is introduced.  If your wife or girlfriend is against animal products and steadfastly forbids the use of butter in your household, have her pack her things and leave.  Maybe go as far as having the locks re-keyed as well, because I’d imagine that she’s probably a crazy lunatic who doesn’t take break-ups well.  In the long run, she’ll only make your life miserable, and if she’s mercilessly controlling what you eat, she probably mercilessly has your penis in lock-down mode, too.  Be a man and do yourself a favor and find a chick who isn’t a controlling psycho.  So what if the next girlfriend’s a tad on the chunky side from having a normal diet.  Small butts are over-rated. 

Step Three:  Add iodized salt to taste.  For me, less salt is more.  But even a little bit is needed for balance.

Step Four:  Open your chilled bottle of oaked Chardonnay and enjoy the frack out of what you’ve made.  Oaked Chardonnays are the best choice.  The buttery oak will pair nicely with the butter in the popcorn.  There are many good choices:  I like Cupcake Chardonnay (about $12 a bottle).  But if you’d like to spend more money Stag’s Leap, Ferarri-Carano, Marques, and Kistler are great choices.  Any sparkling wine that is 100% Chardonnay will work as well.  If you’ve never previously had popcorn and vino together, you’ll be stymied at how you’d overlooked this awesome, simple, happiness-producing combination.  Pop in a nice romantic Blue Ray like “Predator” and you’re all set!  

Method Two - Pancetta-wrapped goat cheese with Barbera

Gather together the following items:

-A sleeve of soft goat cheese.  Most decent supermarkets carry it these days.

-A pack of pancetta.  It’s a cured, marbled Italian sliced meat, that crisps up like bacon when cooked.

-A non-stick frying pan with a spatula (tongs will also do, it’s your choice).

-A nice bottle of Barbera.  Both the Italian and California varieties will work equally well.

Note:  As you may have already gleaned from Method One, there are no substitutions or shortcuts.  Alter my directives at your own risk.

Step One:  Remove the goat cheese from the wrapper and cut it into half-inch “medallions”.

Step Two:  Wrap the pancetta around the goat cheese medallions and place them in the refrigerator.  Chill for about an hour.  The chilling process is optional, but it helps to keep the cheese from melting prematurely when you place it in the frying pan.

Step Three:  On medium-high heat, add the pancetta-wrapped goat cheese to the frying pan.  Brown them for about 60-90 seconds on each side.  The pancetta should crisp up nicely.  Caution:  If you fry them too long, or if the pan isn’t hot enough, the cheese will melt, and ooze all over the place.  It’ll still be edible, but the final presentation of the dish will be ruined.

Step Four:  Sit down and enjoy what you’ve cooked with the Barbera.  Vieti and Montevina are good choices.  But most others will work.    

If you’d like, add in a nice side salad.  This is a really, really rich, decadent dish, so you might need the salad to cut some of the overpowering richness.  I generally max out after I’ve had three of these, but its so effing good.  Seriously, good.  Dirty-sex-in-the-elevator-at-work good.  It’s life changing.

Here's a photo of the completed dish.  I'd have posted photos of the other ones, but they aren't as visually interesting.

Method-Three - Crispy-fried portabella mushrooms with Pinot Noir

If you’re that previously-mentioned castrated guy who doesn’t have the guts to kick his ranty Whole Foods psycho girlfriend to the curb and get on with a life-worth-living, this is an effective animal-products-free alternative to the two previous dishes.  The portabellas have a nice mouth-feel, and are often used in vegan cuisine in place of meat.   And remember the rule of today’s lesson, children:  NO SUBSTITUTIONS.

Gather together the following items:

-A large portabella mushroom cap (pre-sliced is just fine).

-All-purpose flour for dusting.

-Sea salt.

-Olive oil for frying.

-A medium to large frying pan and a set of tongs.

Step One:  Slice the mushroom cap into long slices (unless you purchased the pre-sliced version).

Step Two:  Heat the olive oil in the fry pan.  It should be about ¾ to 1 inch deep.  ¾ of an inch should be plenty, though.  You’ll know when the oil’s hot enough, because when you flick small amounts of water across the oil, it’ll bead off.

Step Three:  Liberally dredge the sliced portabellas in the flour, and add them to the hot oil.  They should be fried on each side for about two to four minutes, until crisp on the outside and cooked all the way through.  Experiment until you get the hang of it.  Don’t expect the flour to stick to the shrooms, like the schlocky, artless deep-fried button mushrooms you’d order at TGF McFunster’s.  That’s not what we’re aiming for.  There should be a light crust on them only.  This is “crispy-fried”, not batter-fried.

Step Four:  Placed the fried shrooms on a plate that’s lined with paper towel.  Add the sea salt and let the shrooms briefly drain and cool.  Serve hot (If they’re allowed to cool off, it deadens the impact).

Step Five:  Enjoy your shrooms with a nice Pinot Noir.  Virtually ANY brand or terroir will work.  If you want to go cheapy-cheapy, drink a bottle of Smoking Loon Pinot Noir ($10.99).  It’s quite good.   On the higher end, I’d go with a Pommard from Burgundy (Upwards of $50, but worth it).  Make sure you open the wine at least an hour before you plan to drink it.  As with most red wines, oxygen is needed.

The Wife and I will often fry up a batch of shrooms on a Friday evening, and stand around in the kitchen eating them, chatting, drinking vino, and scarfing down fresh-baked bread and cheeses as well.  Cheddar, brie, and milder blue veined cheeses are great matches with the Pinot.

Wine Buying Notes

For those of you who are relative novices to wine buying, not all wine gets better with age.  The Chardonnays and the Pinot Noirs that I recommended should be fairly young.  If they’re five years old or more consider avoiding them, as that they might have peaked.  If they have a screw cap and not a natural cork, avoid them if they are older than four years.  I often look for Pinots and Chards that are even younger than this (i.e. one or two years old).   Barbera would probably be drinkable up to six or seven years old.  The Pommard, however, is quite tannic and can be enjoyably consumed well after eight to ten years old.  Do bear in mind that in may need to be decanted a few hours ahead of consumption.

So in summary, these are a few of MY personal “methods” for achieving happiness.    They’re relatively cheap, simple, and easy; and they work.  If you try all three, and they don’t put a dent in the funk that you’re under, I’m sorry Chief; you might be needing help beyond the scope of my abilities.  But I’m truly confident that the “prescription” that I have personally written for you will work juuuuuuust fine.  Eat happy, live happy!

Chew on THAT!

T.S.G.